.jpg)
No,
the Joshua Tree didn't get its name from them U2 dudes. The tree got its name
from the Mormons who said it resembled the Biblical figure, Joshua reaching his
arms upward toward the sky in prayer.[1]
Remember
Joshua? He was Moses' number 2 dude and led the Israelites in conquering the
Cannanites.
The
Cannanites? Funny you should ask. The Good Book tells us how Cannanites are descendants
of Canaan, that “Son of Ham” who, along with Shem and Japeth made up Noah’s “My Three Sons.” Yup, Noah, he’s the same dude who
built a fairly big boat (Ken Ham – no apparent relation to Noah’s seemingly perverted son - sezs it was at least 450 feet long x 75 feet wide x
45 feet high[2]) when a spry, barely middle-aged, 500 year-old,[3] daddy, using
gopher wood (why gopher wood? ‘Cause gerbil wood was just plain silly) to carry either two – or kinda, meybe even seven (yeah, that
one’s sorta confusing[4]) of
everything, yup, every dinosaur including the Spinosaurus, Argentinosaurus,
and Sauroposeid,[5]
every kind of dino-bird, every type of mammal, animal, bird, snake, worm, bug, gnat,
spider, mosquito, and well, everything – in the entire freakin’ world – yup, all
estimated 8.7 million species – not even including the now extinct ones, all of
‘em, ‘cause see, it was gonna rain fer 40 days ‘n nights, ‘n then stay flooded
fer a year which is a seriously long time to backstroke, and when it finally
drained, created – ta da – the Grand Canyon! Yeah, he’s that dude…
So Cannanites are therefore, the "Sons of Ham" dudes who found themselves "forever enslaved" 'cause it seemed Ham – they’s pappy, or grand-pappy or great-grand pappy, or great-great-grand pappy, or great-great-great-grand pappy, or well…you get the idea, apparently done some dirty, nasty stuff to Noah while the old man was shat-faced drunk 'n passed out, ‘parently neked, 'an woke up, said something to the effect, “Hey dude, me bum's a-burnin', 'an it shore don’t seem like it ain’t no 'roids;” and as opposed to whoopin’ the tar outta hiz boy or cursing Ham, Noah done – in true Mafioso form – cursed Ham's kinfolk, them “Sons of Ham” – ferever, yup. Fer-ever...
or at least until “…those
consummate theologians, the Reverend Doctors Ulysses S. Grant and William
Tecumseh Sherman” done figured out what in fact the Bible actually meant.[6]
Point
being, Joshua was that same dude who led the Israelites in conquering them
“forever enslaved” Cannanites.
Anyhoos...back
to the tree. See, our Mormon brothers apparently said the tree resembled Joshua
reaching his arms skyward in prayer. Of course that’s when I starts a-thinkin’ of
Joshua reaching to the sky demanding that the Sun and Moon stop doing whatever
it was they’d been doing keeping gravity, gravitizing, the tides from tiding,
the poles in place and whatnot:
"O
sun, stand still at Gibeon, And O moon in the valley of Aijalon." And the
Good Book tells us that they did….jpg)
Which
gets me a-thinkin' of my recent visit to the Dayton, Tennessee courthouse where
the Scopes Trial was held and the famous Clarence Darrow examination of William
Jennings Bryan (can’t help but hear Spencer Tracy and Frederic March’s
fast-paced dialogue):
DARROW:
Do you believe Joshua made the sun stand still?
BRYAN:
I believe what the Bible says. I suppose you mean that the earth stood still?
DARROW:
I don't know. I'm talking about the Bible now.
BRYAN:
I accept the Bible absolutely.
DARROW:
The Bible says Joshua commanded the sun to stand still for the purpose of
lengthening the day, doesn't it, and you believe it?
BRYAN:
I do.
DARROW:
Do you believe at that time the entire sun went around the earth?
BRYAN:
No, I believe that the earth goes around the sun.
DARROW:
Do you believe that the men who wrote it thought that the day could be
lengthened or that the sun could be stopped?
DARROW:
You don't know?
BRYAN:
I think they wrote the fact without expressing their own thoughts.
DARROW:
Have you an opinion as to whether or not the men who wrote that thought …
…
DARROW:
Have you an opinion as to whether whoever wrote the book, I believe it was
Joshua -- the Book of Joshua -- thought the sun went around the earth or not?
BRYAN:
I believe that he was inspired.
…
DARROW:
It is your opinion that the passage was subject to construction?
BRYAN:
Well, I think anybody can put his own construction upon it, but I do not mean
that necessarily it is a correct construction. I have answered the question.
DARROW:
Don't you believe that in order to lengthen the day, it would have been
construed that the earth stood still?
BRYAN:
I would not attempt to say what would have been necessary, but I know this:
that I can take a glass of water that would fall to the ground without the
strength of my hand, and to the extent of the glass of water I can overcome the
law of gravitation and lift it up, whereas without my hand, it would fall to
the ground. If my puny hand can overcome the law of gravitation, the most
universally understood, to that extent, I would not set a limit to the power of
the hand of the Almighty God, that made the universe.
DARROW:
I read that years ago, in your "Prince of Peace." Can you answer my
question directly? If the day was lengthened by stopping either the earth or
the sun, it must have been the earth?
BRYAN:
Well, I should say so. Yes, but it was language that was understood at that
time, and we now know that the sun stood still, as it was, with the earth.
DARROW:
We know also the sun does not stand still.
BRYAN:
Well, it is relatively so, as Mr. Einstein would say.
DARROW:
I ask you if it does stand still?
BRYAN:
You know as well as I know.
DARROW:
Better. You have no doubt about it?
BRYAN:
No, no.
DARROW:
And the earth moves around it?
BRYAN:
Yes, but I think there is nothing improper if you will protect the Lord against
against your criticism.
DARROW:
I suppose He needs it?
BRYAN:
He was using language at that time that the people understood.
DARROW:
And that you call "interpretation?"
BRYAN:
No, sir, I would not call it interpretation.
DARROW:
I say you would call it interpretation at this time, to say it meant something
then?
BRYAN:
You may use your own language to describe what I have to say, and I will use
mine in answering.
DARROW:
Now, Mr. Bryan, have you ever pondered what would have happened to the earth if
it had stood still?
BRYAN:
No.
DARROW:
You have not?
BRYAN:
No, sir; the God I believe in could have taken care of that, Mr. Darrow.
DARROW:
I see. Have you ever pondered what would naturally happen to the earth if it
stood still suddenly?
BRYAN:
No.
DARROW:
Don't you know it would have been converted into a molten mass of matter?[7]
'An
then I gets to thinkin' how Bryan's insisted how the fundamentalist avoided
Biblical “interpretation” like the Biblical Plague – jes like Antonin Scalia,
our Supreme Court judicial fundamentalist, always harkens back to our founding
fathers original intent…
[4] Genesis 6, He tells Noah, “Dude, bring 2 of everything…listen, every-thing”: “You are tobring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep themalive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of everykind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be keptalive.” But then in the next chapter, Genesis7, He sorta changes his mind andsezs well, bring two of every uncleananimal, what the heck, bring seven 7 (Lucky 7), male and female clean animal: “Take with you seven of every kind of clean animal, amale and its mate, and two of every kind of unclean animal, a male and itsmate, and also seven of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep theirvarious kinds alive throughout the earth.”
[5] “God tells us he created all land animals the same day hecreated man about 6,000 years ago and what's more there were even dinosaurs onNoah's Ark because God told Noah to take pairs of every kind of land animal.You see, dinosaurs are no mystery at all if you accept the Bible's account ofcreation."
